My Day Job is Killing Me

I have a day job. I supervise technical writers and editors for a training products and services company. And I can't tell you how much I hate it. I'm under paid, under appreciated, stressed out, and stuck in middle management in a cube farm right in the middle of Corporate America. The funny thing is that I can live with that. The hours are flexible so I can get home and do the things I actually care about, like working out and writing and making comics. But I realized something today that makes the thought of going back tomorrow more unbearable than ever: I have no friends there anymore. I've always enjoyed it there because of the people I'm surrounded with. But now that I'm in middle management hell, my peers have already been broken. Try as I might to change things, there's no more fun. No more jokes. No more lazy days. It's all business, it's all pressure, it's all deadlines and budgets. And when I dare ask how someone's weekend went, I get looked at like I'm crazy. "Why are you wasting company time with personal questions like that?" the look says. Today I went the entire day without a single person saying hello. No one asked me about my plans for the weekend. No one asked me what's happening next with my book. (Hell, if you asked the entire company, less than six people would even remember I'm working on anything, and of those six, maybe one would have any notion on the theme of the book. It reminds of when I got back from my honeymoon. Five people asked me where I had been, and when I said on my honeymoon, they said they didn't know I was even engaged.) And that's just it: no one cares. Not about each other. There's no humanity. There's no bonding, no connections. Just a bunch of people working for something half of them don't care about. There's no compassion at my work place. No one wants to help others. Sure, people complain and bitch to me all the time. I'm the supporter of the group (for some, anyway). But when I have something to say or when I need an ear, I'm turned away. Or better yet, they'll hear me out, but turn me away and tell me to deal with it on my own. And when I can't, they berate me for not getting it done. Believe me, I've tried to make connections, but they're all failing miserably. There's this one "friend" who I've been actually breaking the cycle with lately. We actually talk and laugh every now and then. It's so refreshing. She's a fun person, and I like those rare occasions when we can actually just talk and relax. Those are the times that usually help me stay motivated and realize that there is still some humanity left. Well, she walked past my desk at least 8 times today and never said a word. Never even looked in my direction. I wondered if we'd ever talk again if I didn't make the effort to go out of my way to say hello to her. Then I realized that she never talks to me. It's always me going to her. She's too busy for that sort of interaction unless it's thrust upon her. She's just like the other drones, bumping into each other on their way to their next meeting, their next assignment. Of course, as I write this, I realize that I'm not even sure who I'm talking about anymore. All of my "friends" are like this (I know, I keep getting suckered into believing that I can actually be friends with someone at work, but I hate calling everyone a co-worker. But, of course, I'm slowly being broken just like everyone else, so soon enough, even I will see them as nothing more than co-workers). I spend 8-10 hours each day of my life with people who don't give one little shit about me or each other. That's so disgusting I'm sick to my stomach thinking about it. Instead of enjoying each other and having fun in our lives, we do anything we can to skip that personal contact. How sad is that? I only have two reasons for even staying at this job, but they're big enough for me to be stuck there for some time: My wife and Dear Santa. My wife just quit her job to follow her dream of being a freelance writer, so although she makes money, we need my income to stay afloat. As for Dear Santa, without a job that gives me flexible hours and some spending cash, well, let's just say my dream of making comics would already be dead. But let's face it, if I go to my day job for much longer, it won't be my dream that's dead...it'll be me. I know I'm not alone. I know that there are millions of people who complain about their jobs, who have it worse than me. And I'm sure anyone reading this is just like my friends who say deal with it. Or get another job. But I don't want to deal with it, and another corporate job isn't the answer. I want to be happy. Isn't that what life should be about? Being happy and spending time with those you care about? I've been told more than once that I'm married now and have to be responsible. I can't worry about being happy with my day job. That I need to support the family, and making minimum wage at a job that actually brings me some happiness isn't good enough. This is life and you're supposed to just deal with it. But you know what, I don't think that cuts it for me anymore. I just don't think I can wait another day to be happy...